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Waging War Against All Sneakerheads

Waging War Against All Sneakerheads

You’ve just clocked out of your eight hour shift working at Olive Garden. The tips weren’t very good since you got shit hours this week.

Your back hurts, your hair smells like unlimited garlic breadsticks and there’s a weird pimple on your left ass cheek. It’s payday today, and you’re looking forward to depositing that $312.00 check.

Rent is due. Those bills are piling up and that thot Sallie Mae keeps calling you. 

Now I want to know. Would you spend $312 on a pair of shoes? Because I know a lot of people who do. I don’t want to judge, but as a human being with a blog in pursuit of the truth: why would anybody spend more than $100 on a pair of shoes?

Please don’t say I’m cheap. It’s not because I’m cheap. I always tip 15-20%. A waiter can roundhouse kick my face and I would still say thanks after he refills my ice water. My barber would cut a swastika on the back of my head and I would still come back in three weeks.

Let’s go in depth about the mentality of sneakerheads. 

Sneakerheads are hustlers; combinators of fashion, culture and commerce. They know the price fluctuations and the complexities of a good Yeezy.

Like a common man’s stock market, the sneaker market makes sense. A sneakerhead is a stock-trader; he navigates through the loud and bustling Facebook sneaker groups in pursuit of a pair of Jordans they can buy and sell at a profit.

Sneakerheads are hustling; they’re making money.

But sneakerheads also love product. While they’re not vaping and selling their shoes on eBay, they love to gaze at their collections.

Their collections of Jordans, Yeezys, Nikes, Vans, and Adidas are vast in color combinations and imagery. “This is what I’ve accomplished. This is what I’ve made.”

As someone who runs a blog, I need people to know that what they enjoy doing is absolutely wrong.

Spending more than $100 on shoes made by Angelina Jolie’s kids is wrong. Repeated purchasing of product that relies on a volatile price market and ever-changing consumer tastes is wrong.

Something’s wrong when people are spending their paychecks on sneakers.

Where’s the return on investment? Maybe I need to put on my will.i.am glasses because I do not see any. The marginal profits a sneakerhead gets from reselling a shoe is completely inefficient.

Most of the time, a reseller buys a shoe for $150 and then sells it for $200. The upfront cost of buying the shoe and time selling the shoe outweighs the benefits of $50. Don’t forget that those Jordans can easily devalue.

What about the fact that this entire sneaker culture benefits only one person: the purveyors of these products.

Corporations like Nike and Adidas are creaming their pants over this tapped obsession with stuff.

Check yourself:

Do you feel happy after buying those sneakers? Does that happiness fill up that void in your life that came from not ever being loved? You’re going to die alone, but at least you’re going to look fly as hell with your head in the oven.

But you know what? It’s America.

It’s your God-given right (if He exists) to buy and sell whatever you want. You can buy heroin. You can sell your body. I’m not stopping you, but the Feds will. I’m saying that you’re free to do whatever you want.

But also understand that I also have the freedom to shit on what you love. Having a blog is great.

I want to let all of my two readers know that lipinghuang.com is against the purchases of sneakers that are more than $100. If you or someone you know suffers from this problem, please seek help.

As a community leader on the internet, I am always here to support my readers. Unless you're a sneakerhead.


UPDATE 4/13

It's important for me to let my readers know the different perspectives and viewpoints that my pieces have. As you already know, I don't know what I'm talking about most of the time.

Need a reminder? Scroll down to the comment section below!

But it's still crucial to users that they are able to experience both vantage points instead of a singular, flawed one. Unlike a female gamer, I have not received any death threats yet. But I'm looking forward to those.

At 12:15PM, I received a Facebook message with feedback about this post.

I disagree with your recent blog post. Sneakers are not an investment. They are to wear. Only 20-30% of people think they are an investment and buy to resell. $100 isn't a lot. Someone doesn't have a problem because they spend $100+.
To be honest, your tone in it is sorta condescending. Your points can be made about any hobby. Food for example; why do people wait hours in line just to try a new food? Why do people pay $100s for a steak when a hamburger goes to the same place?

Many valid points were presented, but I do have to disagree with the statement that the "tone in it is sorta condescending." It's not sorta condescending; it's very, very condescending.

Like a joint at a beach bonfire, this post was passed around. Facebook sneaker groups got ahold of this blog post. I'm being roasted like Donald Trump at a Comedy Central roast. Here's what they had to say:

An anonymous Facebook comment was made that also had great points about the tone of the piece:

He could've made a good point if he didn't take his time trying to make jokes [while also] insulting people in his article.
(Editor's note: It made me very happy that he referred this as an article).
Kind of hard for people to change their mind when you're insulting them.

Names were called, but they were also very accurate. Attacks (but not really) were thrown: 

Truman, I get winded after I go up one flight of stairs. I have high blood pressure and an elevated BMI. We both know who loses this fight.

Truman, I get winded after I go up one flight of stairs. I have high blood pressure and an elevated BMI. We both know who loses this fight.

Fantastic if not representative points were made by Truman:

I want to emphasize Truman's point of doing what makes YOU happy. While that is a great profile picture of myself, he makes an excellent point.

Why am I going out to eat at Dumpling Kitchen when I could just eat boiled cabbage at home? It's definitely cheaper.

Well... eating out with friends makes me really happy. 

And at the end of the day, that's what really matters. Being happy about where we are and what we do.

My lack of knowledge of what sneakerheads are and what they do shouldn't trump their desire to collect if that's what makes them happy. 

Don't let a condescending and butthurt asshole blogger with a 963.21 BMI stop you from doing what you love.

 

Liping is the founder and editor-in-chief of lipinghuang.com. He is currently a sophomore at SFSU studying Business Marketing.

 

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